[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.