Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
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“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.