Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.