interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
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Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
as is their right
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.