Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.