Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
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What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs