[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
guilty
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.