Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore