Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect