boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
everyone has that one prude friend
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.