Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
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After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?