Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
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Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
#NoRestForTheWicked
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Teamwork makes the dream work.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent