A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
You Might Also Like
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Thoughts
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.