Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
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I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.