Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
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Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.