Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
You Might Also Like
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
R.I.P.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.