I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
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On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip