How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
im all 3
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.