What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The devil.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.