If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang