I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
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Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.