My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
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I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*