Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I’d rather go liquor treating.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.