Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
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Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.