God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
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Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”