Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
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Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2