[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
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Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die