How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
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yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Jail
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.