the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
You Might Also Like
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
sugar glider wrangler
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class