“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
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this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.