MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*