“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I came this close!!!!
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.