7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
When the stylist spins you back around
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Bootstraps
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate