Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half