Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-