“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
having children is great because just when you鈥檙e on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I鈥檝e missed 738 birthdays because I haven鈥檛 been on for over 2 years 馃槼
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
lmfao come on
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it鈥檚 probably mine.
Me: probably?
*sips iced coffee*
man I鈥檝e been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.