30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
You Might Also Like
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.