me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!