Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms