If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate