Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
all that yoga finally paid off
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.