What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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what’s more important?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch