Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
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*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I feel seen
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.