What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
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I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
me 2 months after i graduated
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I am patiently waiting for your email
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues