Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.