I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
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My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?