I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
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*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again