PER MY LAST EMAIL
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My boss called in sick of me
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein