my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.