Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
yeah 😭
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.